QUESTION: My live-in girlfriend and I have been together for about four years. Two of her three children live with us and my two boys come over every other weekend to spend time with me. My boy's' mother grills them intensively after every visit. She seems to be overly concerned about whether I'm treating my girlfriend's kids better than our children. This is insulting to me and everytime we try to talk about it we get into an argument. What's up with that?! Any suggestions on how to handle this?
VR - Texas
Answer: It seems your children's mother needs to know that her children still come first. This might be because she is no longer first in your life. As long as you know that you are treating your kids fairly and with the same consideration as your girlfriend's children then try not to get upset when she asks her questions. Reassure her that you love your boys and there's nothing you wouldn't do for them. Do your best to avoid situations where you have to break a commitment to her or the boys. Let her know that you understand her feelings. Also make it point to do things with just your boys from time to time. You can ask the mother if she would like to tag along. This will give her an opportunity to see how you interact with your boys and how they respond to you.
QUESTION: I was a single parent for a number of years before getting married again. Even though my children had numerous opportunities to get to know my husband before we married, they still treat him like a stranger. Their own father has no relationship with them at all so I thought it woud be easy to forge a relationship. I often feel like I am in the middle. Any feedback you could give me would be greatly appreciated.
LW - Michigan
Answer: Hey, it's gonna take time! I am in a similiar situation and it has taken six years for my kids to warm up to my new husband. What has helped me is to keep the communication flowing between the kids and me. They tell me how they feel and I tell them how I feel. I let them know that I love them but I also love my husband. I don't love him more but he comes first. My kids were older teens when I married and I told them it wouldn't be long before they would be grown and moved out and I would be left with only my husband. If I put them first now, where would that leave me once they were gone? That realization helped me to stand strong and not cave into emotional manipulation.
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